I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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