Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I can text with my tongue
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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