if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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