I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize