I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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