This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
