i think my tv is drunk
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
