my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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