Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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