If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
