I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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