My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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