I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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