I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
