Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize