I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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