my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
