This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
