woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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