I think I won the penis lottery.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
