I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
