I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
