yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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