i jhust puked up my retainher.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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