You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
