Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize