I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
