I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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