Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
