me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
