I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
