i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
