you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
