The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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