There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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