I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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