You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
