I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
