True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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