I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
