So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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