grandma shit on top of the toilet
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
