is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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