Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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