We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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