She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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