i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize