Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
