officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize