I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
