Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
