I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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