So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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