a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
