I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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