You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
