Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
