Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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